


Starkiller Meme

by thatnerdwiththedragons



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Carrie Fisher tweets, Emo Kylo Ren, First Fanfiction, I will do a serious (meme-less) version of some of the scenes in this fanfiction, Memes, hux and phasma both hate kylo, so be warned for repitition, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 14:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6243916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdwiththedragons/pseuds/thatnerdwiththedragons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here we have some TFA fanfiction composed of a series of vignette-y things all based on popular memes. There's some emo Kylo Ren, the "fucked up a perfectly good Jedi, look at him, he has anxiety" one, the one about Carrie Fisher tweets (look it up, it's perfect) and Matt the Radar Techinician, of course. </p><p>Meanwhile, Hux hates Kylo, Phasma hates Kylo, Kylo is a jerk because of course he is. Do not expect romance, because they all hate each other. </p><p>No dragons. Sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starkiller Meme

Once upon a time, Kylo Ren got a new cloak. It was black. Of course it was.

Once upon a time, Phasma and Hux had a bet.

*

“Nice cape, sir,” Hux says. If you’d been looking at him, which Kylo hadn’t been, you’d notice a ghost of a smile floating around his lips. A teasing smile. Kylo didn’t turn around.

“Thank you,” he says, instincts from a childhood spent with decent adults kicking in. He still hasn’t turned around; it looks like he’s tinkering with a data pad in his hand.

“Where did you get it, sir?” Hux asks.

“Um…” Kylo finally pulls himself out of whatever he was doing. He is really quite proud of the cape. The black matches perfectly with the rest of his wardrobe; granted, the rest of his wardrobe is all-black too, but still. There are shades of black. He tells himself these things.

“I think it was called… Hoth Topic? It was on Hoth, anyway.”

“Hoth. I imagine that was great camouflage, sir.”

Even Kylo can tell that Hux is making fun of him now, but it hasn’t been explicit enough for Kylo to point to something and report Hux to… someone. Phasma? No, she’s not a superior officer. For Kylo to punish him, there.

“I needed to stand out, Hux. Anyways, it’s warm,” he finally said.

“I can imagine, sir. It certainly is… large,” Hux says, and then quickly adds, “in an impressive way, sir,” because while he may enjoy making fun of Kylo, he is not suicidal.

“Yes, Hux, it is,” says Kylo. He turns back to his work. “If you have nothing else to add…?” he says.

“Nothing, sir,” says Hux, and marches out.

 

He runs into Phasma in the hallway.“Hoth Topic,” he says.

“You owe me ten bucks,” responds Phasma.

Hating the same person doesn’t make them friends, but it doesn’t make them enemies, either.

Well. It doesn’t make them inherently enemies. We’ll see how that goes.

 

***

Once upon a time, days after the destruction of the Jedi Temple, before Leia knew about Luke's disappearance, the leader of the Resistance and her smuggler husband confronted Snoke. They appeared in his throne room, in the throne room where his holo-apparition appeared.

*

Snoke — the Snoke apparition — had stood from his throne, had stared down at the image that itself had appeared. A tiny woman, radiating power, stood next to a man. She was in charge, though; you could tell.

“Snoke,” she had said.

He did not respond.

“Snoke. What have you done with our son?”

Snoke did not respond.

“I will ask you one more time, Snoke. What have you _done_ with our _son_?”

Finally, Snoke laughed.

“I turned a hapless boy named Ben Solo into a powerful Dark Side user, into Kylo Ren,” he said, voice slow and deep.

The little woman in the apparition stepped forward, trembling with rage.

“No, Snoke,” she said. “You fucked up a perfectly good Jedi, is what you did. Look at him, he has psychopathy.”

Snoke laughed again.

“I wasn’t done! _How_ did you manage to convince our son to slaughter an entire group of Jedi in training? _How_ did you convince him to slaughter his entire Jedi Temple? How did you convince him —“ and here her voice cracked for a moment “— how did you convince him to slaughter his baby sister?”

Snoke just laughed. His apparition flickered out.

The little woman and the man remained in the throne room for another moment. The man pulled the woman close to him. “Bastard,” he said. “You don’t say,” she replied, and then they, too, flickered out, leaving the throne room empty when, a few minutes later, a tall boy ran in, wild-eyed and sure he had heard a familiar voice.

“I _didn't,_ ” he said to the empty room. “I _didn’t_. I would _never_.”

 

You may wonder what he was referring to.

He did slaughter an entire group of Jedis in training.

He did slaughter his entire Jedi Temple.

What happened to his sister remains to be seen.

 

***

  
Once upon a time, the First Order received a transmission from the leader of the Resistance, General Organa herself.

  
*

  
Kylo was back in his room, tinkering with something again, when the transmission came in. General Hux ran to get him, to bring him to the control room, before the intercepted Resistance transmission had even been opened.  
“Ren! Ren, sir!” he had yelled, excitement getting the better of him. He may have hated Kylo, but he had devoted his life to the First Order for a reason. “Sir! We have intercepted a transmission from the Resistance — from the General herself. We need you in the control room, sir!”  
Kylo stands up slower than Hux had expected.  
“From the General herself?” he asks, slowly.  
“Yes, sir! We haven’t even opened it yet — we wanted you to be there, for eventual decoding.”  
Kylo’s mouth tightened. “Alright, Hux,” he said eventually, but there was a spark of dread in his movements.  
  
Hux and Kylo reached the control room. “Ready to open it, General, sir?” an excited officer asked.  
“Go ahead,” said Kylo.  
  
The computer bleeped for a moment, and then the intercepted transmission flickered onto the screen.  
  
Kylo gave an audible groan.  
  
The transmission was written almost entirely in emoji. 

 

***  
Once upon a time, after the defection of FN-2187, the Stormtroopers became restless. FN-2187 had defected for a reason, and… some of the Stormtroopers agreed with him.  
  
*  
  
And so the Stormtrooper ranks continued giving Hux trouble.  
One day, an entire mess hall was taken out. It was unclear how, or why, or whether there was a traitor in their midst who had gotten away, but the thing just blew. All the security footage had been retroactively deleted, and Hux couldn’t find Kylo anywhere to try and get it back. (He needed Kylo because the man — stupid, thought Hux, stupid — had given only himself top authorization to do things like retrieve deleted data, if that data was even retrievable. But Kylo was nowhere to be found.)  
  
If Hux had been able to find Kylo, and had been able to retrieve that missing data, here’s what he would have seen:  
  
A Stormtrooper mess hall. Orderly. Neat ranks of troopers eating the strawberry-pink, tasteless mush that they all ate, day in and day out. You didn’t like it, you didn’t eat it; you didn’t eat it, you were dead.  
The recording equipment in this mess hall was missing audio. The First Order monitored its troopers, sure, but this was an ordinary mess hall. Nothing of consequence was going to be said here; this was frequented by troopers who were mostly assigned to sanitation. A few technicians, but no higher-ups.  
  
What the First Order didn’t know was just how important stories are to those who have nothing else. What the First Order didn’t know was that without audio equipment, the mess hall was a place where any story could be told.  
  
It was after the defection of FN-2187 that the stories started getting important. Before, the Stormtroopers had talked about things which were not meaningless, but were not, in the grand scheme of things, terribly important. Now that changed. Now all they could talk about was FN-2187. A stormtrooper just like them, despite what they were told.  
  
They’d run out of the good gossip pretty quickly. Official intelligence said nothing on the topic, other than mentioning a “Resistance plant” in their midst, warning them all to look out for any suspicious behavior. _If you perceive something, report something,_ they had said.  
  
That was all they said in words, anyway.  
  
There was also the systematic extermination of the entire FN group. Ten thousand Stormtroopers gone. The FN-2000s were executed live, in a broadcast before the entire First Order.  
  
_A picture is worth a thousand words,_ it was said, and what was video but hundreds of pictures?  
  
_It will set an example,_ Hux had said of the executions, and Phasma’s mouth had tightened into a line, and under her armor, all her muscles had stiffened, as if restraining her from strangling Hux alive (mutual hatred for the man in charge did not mean mutual love; far from it, and Phasma was nothing if not devoted to her troops), but she had not spoken, and he had gone ahead with the plan.  
  
But back to the mess hall.  
  
They had run out of the good gossip pretty quickly, but all the Stormtroopers were abuzz about the defector, FN-2187 _(who was the last one who defected? from the AA-series, before training techniques were tightened, and she was killed before she could leave the base, her blood splattered across the hallways and no one allowed to clean it up. As a lesson. To show what happened to those who defected. To show how brutally and mercilessly they were killed)_ and they had turned to the little tidbits. Today, however, a young stormtrooper, KZ-1492, had something to share.  
“I heard something!” he had piped up. “From a messenger trooper! I was cleaning his room and he started talking to me — did you know the messengers get rooms? — and he started talking and he said, he said he knew something about FN-2187!”  
At this point, he had everyone’s attention.  
“He said that FN-2187 was at the Resistance base —“ this was common knowledge, or at least, a popular rumor — “and that he has a _boyfriend_ now. Like from the holovids. A _boyfriend_. And I heard that he was so handsome that the Resistance made posters of him to get people to come join them.”  
There were murmurs. Love was something forbidden here.  
  
_It is hard to forbid love. Love is something that does not care about rules. But when it is forbidden and found, love is something that is broken by the rules._  
  
“How handsome?” another yelled out. KN-1495. Brightest young one anyone had seen in a long time.  
“Yeah!” someone else added. “Because we have posters of Kylo Ren, but he’s not very handsome!”  
A couple troopers chortled. Another said, “Crylo Ren!” and was shushed by his elders, but not before laughter had spread throughout the mess hall.  
  
In the corner, a new radar technician snapped his fork in half. He hadn’t made many friends. No one paid him any attention.  
  
“No,” said KN-1492, “Really handsome! More handsome than Kylo Ren!”  
  
The radar technician — Matt? — had stood up. “Kylo Ren is _very_ handsome,” he had yelled. And then, quieter, “ _jerk faces_.”  
  
“Crylo Ren!” the same trooper yelled out.  
  
At this point, any video footage would have gone black, because at this point, the mess hall crumpled in on itself. The radar technician was the only survivor.  
  
Phasma was not happy to hear the news. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism is super-welcome. Find me on tumblr at learningftw. Or don't, see if I care. 
> 
> If you have any additional memes (or similar) to add that I have missed, go ahead and tell me in the comments. Perhaps I will update. 
> 
> I'm probably going to write something which involves something along these lines, with the way Phasma and Hux and Darth Pissbaby interact, perhaps some of the same scenes, without the /explicit/ memes, but I had these written and wanted to get something out there. Sorry if this causes unwanted repitition :/


End file.
